When your children leave home, you should feel like you have graduated as a parent. You have officially ‘launched’ them into the world, giving them the wings that they need. However, for many people, it can also feel like a loss. In some cases, it may seem almost as big a challenge as bringing home a newborn—albeit with fewer sleepless nights.

This page discusses how you navigate this change, the second-biggest in your parenting life. It explains how you can move comfortably from ‘everyday parenting’ to ‘parenting at a distance’. It talks about how your relationship with your children will and should change, and also how to navigate the effects on your relationship with your partner or co-parent.

The Purpose of Parenting

It is worth being clear: the purpose of parenting—the whole reason for the way that you bring up children—is to launch them successfully into the world as (more or less) functioning adults.

Yes, of course we enjoy being parents during their childhood. We like having fun with them, and seeing them grow and develop. However, that is not and cannot be the driving force behind the decisions we make about how we parent. Those decisions are all about sending them out into the world as adults, to contribute to society in however large or small a way they choose.

This is not to say that seeing your children leave home is easy.

At whatever age they leave home, it is going to be different without them. Change is always hard to manage, and you are probably going to miss having them around.

However, the process is easier to manage if you can think of it as a natural part of parenting—and more, a marker of your success.

If your child is happy to leave, and thrives beyond their childhood home, but still wants to come home at least occasionally, and maintains a good relationship with you, you can consider that you have done well.

The Long Goodbye: When Does Your Child Leave?

At what point does your child actually leave home? Is it the point at which they go off to university? In many countries, young people are still heavily dependent on their parents at this stage, especially if they need loans or fees paying.

The answer is that the actual ‘leaving home’ point is not always obvious, may vary widely between different families—and may also happen without you actually noticing at the time (see box).

Unfortunately, this means that there may be a long and drawn-out process of ‘leaving home’, during which your child comes and goes. Their room in your house may still be very much ‘their room’, even though they have another home somewhere else.

This can be challenging. You might want the space for other purposes, but be concerned about how they might react if ‘their room’ is repurposed. The constant changes in ‘status’ (present vs absent, resident vs not resident) may also be hard for both you and younger children to manage.

The key is to talk about what is happening and not make assumptions about how long anything will last—and that goes for both parties.

Unaddressed expectations and assumptions are likely to be the biggest cause of friction in the relationship, so it is worth communicating effectively from the start.

You are, after all, dealing with an adult now—so build a mature, adult relationship with them.

There is also a huge difference between the moment that your eldest child leaves home, and the point at which your youngest makes that same move.

Many people report that it is much harder to deal with the youngest moving out. Before that point, your nest was not truly empty. After that point, you have to deal with the fact that you may never have any of your children living with you full-time again.

The First Departure

It seems reasonable to expect that it will be hard to deal with the moment that your first child first goes away from home to live.

After all, neither of you has done this before. You don’t know what to expect, or what to do.

The challenges will be slightly different depending on the age of your child. Launching an 18 year old leaving home for university, or for their first job, will be a very different matter from waving goodbye to a 26 year old moving in with a partner after five years of having a stable job and contributing to the household.

It will, however, be helpful to remember a few basic principles:

• You might need to do some of the thinking for them…

  There will be many things that your young adult will not know about.

  You might need to do some of the thinking for them and perhaps even hold their hand through some of the processes. For example, they are unlikely to remember that their belongings will need to be insured, so you might need to start that process.

  It may also be helpful to ensure that they understand a bit about cooking and budgeting, and what food to buy on a budget.

• …but they won’t want your unsolicited advice.

  Beyond the above, it is best to wait to be asked about things that they really ought to know about, and which will not be earth-shattering if they go wrong.

  It bears repeating that you are now dealing with an adult.

  When they want advice, they will ask for it. Until then, it is best to assume that they don’t want your advice—although you can ask if they would like to hear your opinion. If the answer is no, don’t give it.

  Finding the balance

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  There is a fine balance between these two things. You are unlikely to get it right straight away.

  
  

• Establish regular communications

  With mobile phones, it is now possible to be in near-constant communication, but resist that urge.

  You don’t need to be in constant contact—and they certainly don’t need that.

  Instead, encourage them to stay in touch, and perhaps phone at least weekly. However, stay out of their problems unless specifically asked for help—and even then, try to avoid telling them what to do. They need to learn to think for themselves and solve their own problems, albeit with a bit of help.

  Our page on Coaching at Home may provide some helpful ideas for how to manage this.

  No tracking!

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  You also do not need to track your children’s whereabouts. Turn off the phone tracker, and let them have their independence.

  
  

• Try not to worry about your child

  As a general principle, no news is likely to be good news.

  If you don’t hear from them for a while, you can usually assume that they’re coping. After all, if they really can’t manage, someone else would probably be in touch.

  It is therefore worth repeating: try not to worry. Consider them successfully launched.

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What About You?

However, just because you consider your child successfully launched does not necessarily mean you will be happy about it.

Parents whose children have left home often report feelings of grief and loss—and it can happen at any point, not just after the last one has left. Some people find it harder when the first one leaves, and others at a later stage. Once again, there are no hard and fast rules. It also does not just affect mothers, or single parents.

‘Empty nest syndrome’, as it is called, can affect anyone at any time.

It is also likely to ‘come and go’, often in waves. You might feel fine at one moment, and then abruptly not fine. It is worth remembering that this is a big change in your life—and like any other change, it will be hard to manage.

Our page on Personal Change Management explains more about how to manage change, including the ‘transition curve’, which explains how people respond to grief, loss and other changes.

Both experts and parents who have been through this situation suggest similar solutions:

• Focus on the positives

  Instead of thinking about what you have lost when your children leave home, think about what you have gained.

  There will be significantly less noise and mess. You may view this as a negative—but over time, it is likely to become a positive. You will also have lower food bills, meaning more money to share around.

  You will no longer be tied to taking your holidays during the school holidays. You can go away at any time that suits you—and holidays will be cheaper too.

  You will also have more time and money to do things for you, especially if you are no longer supporting your children financially. No more school runs or trips to sporting fixtures every weekend.

  Even the small things may be helpful: you can buy small treats for yourself, and not feel bad for not sharing.

  This is, in fact, a time to put yourselves first, rather than being someone’s parents, for the first time in many years.

• Don’t do anything drastic—at least, not immediately

  Especially if you gave up work or a career to look after your children, it may be tempting to launch straight into something new. You might see this as a good way to distract yourself from the immediate situation.

  However, it is worth taking your time to work out what you want to do.

  For example, do you really want to work, or would you rather (money permitting) do something voluntary, immerse yourself in a new hobby or interest or even go travelling? If you do want and need to work, what kind of work would suit you best, and use the skills that you have gained through parenting?

  Whatever your immediate ideas, take time to talk things through with other people, and perhaps even try something out, before doing anything irrevocable.

  Think of this as a chance to reconnect with yourself and appreciate what interests you.

• Consider getting a dog (or another pet)

  It is a bit of a cliché, but a dog or other type of pet will fill a very particular gap that has just opened up in your life: the need for routine and someone or something that needs you to look after it.

  However, it is important to be clear: a dog is a big responsibility.

  It is, in fact, akin to having another child. It will probably live for at least 10–15 years, vets’ bills are expensive, and you will have to think carefully about how to manage holidays and outings. A dog will also need walking twice a day, feeding at a regular time, and company. You should only take this on if you are genuinely ready to do so, and not just as a kneejerk reaction to loss.

  It would be a good idea to ‘try before you buy (or adopt)’ (see box), especially if you have never owned a dog before.

  Testing the water

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  There are various ways in which you can test if you would like, and could manage, having a dog:

  • Borrow a friend’s dog for a few days or weeks and see how you get on. You may find that you love the experience—or you may find that the commitment is too much.
  • Websites like borrowmydoggy.com connect dog owners with dog sitters and walkers. You can sign up to ‘share’ the care of a dog for a few days or weeks.
  • Volunteer at a rescue centre, which almost always need help walking and caring for dogs. This will give you first-hand experience of the day-to-day care needed by dogs.

• Start volunteering

  Another way to find someone or something to look after is to start volunteering.

  There are a huge number of organisations that need volunteers, from youth organisations like Girlguiding, Scouting or sports clubs, through schools that need people to come in and read with children, foodbanks or hygiene banks and food kitchens, to animal rescue centres.

  All these can provide opportunities to help others, and also enable you to meet new people and perhaps even get a new perspective on life. Even just one evening a week could make a big difference to the opportunities available to other people in your area—and take your mind off your own situation.

• Reconnect with your partner

  One of the most interesting aspects of your children leaving home is the way that your relationship with your partner is likely to change.

  It is entirely possible that for many years now, your main topic of conversation has been your children. You will have shared the funny things they did or said that day when they were small, or later, their schedules and who is responsible for taking or collecting them from various clubs.

  You now have a chance to reconnect as people, rather than parents, and our page Reconnecting as Empty Nesters offers some ways to get to know one another again.

  It is a good idea to think about how you might do this, and rebuild some shared interests, as otherwise your relationship may struggle.

  Tips for reconnecting with your partner

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  • Share your feelings. It is important to be able to talk about how you feel with your partner—and listen to them, too.
  • Talk about something silly. Ask each other questions about silly little things: your favourite book from the last five years, what colour hat or scarf that you would most like to own and why, or the skill that you would most like to have. Find out more about each other’s small interests, and you will build interest in the big things too.
  • Do something you used to do together. What did you enjoy doing together when you first met, but have stopped doing since having children? Could you do it again—or something similar?
  • Do something fun that was too expensive before. You probably now have a bit more disposable income, and things are cheaper for just two instead of a family. Could you afford to do something together, just for fun, like going to a concert or gig, or a sports event?

  On the plus side, you have the time and energy to reconnect while you are still relatively young—and the space to do it in.

  However, some people find it challenging to reconnect. They may find that they have grown too far apart as parents, and it is difficult to reconnect as partners. If this is the case, you may find some relationship counselling would be helpful.

• Reconnect with old friends

  As your children grow up, it is often challenging to keep up with old friends, especially if you are scattered around the country. There are weekend commitments, homework, and financial challenges—and those apply to your friends as well as you.

  However, when your children leave home, you have a chance to reconnect with your friends.

  You may well find that many of your friends are in similar positions. Their children have left home and they also have a bit more time and energy. Weekends away together are possible again, and you can go and do something you all enjoy.

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In Conclusion

Feelings of grief and loss when your children leave home, known as empty nest syndrome, can be an issue for many people.

However, there are many things that you can do to cope. Focusing on the positives seems to be especially useful—not least because it often opens up new opportunities.

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